So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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