come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
