i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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