all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
