I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
