youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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