I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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