For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
