I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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