Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
