You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
