I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
