this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
