You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
