i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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