He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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