Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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