Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
