1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just pynch a tree in the face
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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