I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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