Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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