you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
