I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
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