I must be too annoying 4 u.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
