Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
