I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am never drinking with the goths again.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
