guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
