Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
