I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
