not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
