As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
