broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
