mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
