You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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