I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
