I cannot find my penis.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
