Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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