You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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