kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
