i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
