What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
