My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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