i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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