I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
