3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
