I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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