and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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