is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
