My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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