I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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