my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
