Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
