Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
