I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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