My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
