So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
