I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
